I tried holding on to summer as long as I possibly could. We were so, SO busy with baseball, travel and life that it really just flew by. I swear the kids were getting off the bus from the last day of school just a few days ago and now, I’m shipping them back off again.

It’s been nice with just me and the wee one. We’ve gotten back into our routine and I can tell, my boy absolutely ADORES his time alone with me. You know how I can tell? He screams bloody murder when his brothers get off the bus in the afternoon.

Fall was once my favorite time of year. I loved the changing leaves, the hayrides, cider, etc. etc. But, this fall brings tough memories for me and those things that once made it my favorite season now fall to the side. Still, at almost a year later, I’m struggling to process it all. More times than I can even remember, I’ve longed to call her. To hear her voice. I put on fuzzy socks today – my thoughts immediately went to her. We buried her in fuzzy socks because she loved them so much. My grandmother argued with my sister and me because she thought my mother should be buried wearing pantyhose. My mother hated pantyhose – we wanted her in something she’d love. My kids do funny things or say funny things and my first thought is to call my mom and tell her. I know she already knows. She can see them. I want to hear her laugh.

Henry often rides his bike around the deck. He’ll stop, look up to the sky and chirp out a “Hi!”. I asked who he was talking to and he said, “Mom-Mom”. Oh, the tears.

The Crate and Barrel catalog came today. I love. A lot. It just so happens that I have some room left on a gift card my love bought me for Mother’s Day. I know what I’m doing with it.

I love their dishtowels. I buy for different seasons – it makes me happy. Tell me these are not adorable!

*Crate and Barrel doesn’t know me from Eve, so I’m certainly not getting anything for saying this. I just love their stuff.*

The same cobwebs that clutter this little corner here? They’ve been cluttering my brain.

My clearest thoughts come at night – when I shut my eyes. But, at the same time, I’m so tired. Too tired to get up and write down these thoughts. The ideas for posts here. The ideas to get my life in order. The ideas to make my life better.

Then, I wake up. I try to remember those clear thoughts. Unfortunately, they’re gone. Eaten by the cobwebs.

Time to keep some paper and a pencil by my bed.

I’m an almost 37 year old mother of 3 children – my oldest is 8 years old and in the 3rd grade.  Why do some education professionals talk to my like I’m a 16 year old mother who has no idea what she’s doing?

Why can’t the behavior of 2 (almost 3) year olds be attributed to the fact that he is 2 (almost 3)?  Why must there always be an underlying reason that he’s crying because he doesn’t want to sit down for 20 minutes at a time?

Why must some education professionals try to put (4) 2 (almost 3) year olds in “circle time” for 20 MINUTES AND EXPECT THEM TO SIT THERE THE ENTIRE TIME.  I’ve never, in my life, met a 2 year old who would sit for 20 straight minutes.

Why is my son (who qualified for speech services (and ONLY speech) simply because he was uncooperative when he was evaluated) in an occupational therapy group?  Because there are SO many children in the program that there aren’t enough hours in the day for a speech pathologist to see kids individually.   So, they group them together.  My son doesn’t need OT.  He needs speech.   We’re learning now that he simply needs to learn how to use his mouth to make certain letter sounds.  There’s little to no speech therapy going on in OT.

At this age (he’ll be 3 next week!), he should be saying 3 to 4 word sentences.  She doesn’t witness those – simply because nothing happens to make him say a 3 to 4 word sentence.  But, I hear (a lot) – Where did Daddy go?  Where is Will?  Where is Jake?  Where is Gabba?

Henry LOVES going to this group – it’s simply a playgroup to him.  I leave so frustrated with the program.  I believe the teachers/professionals are good – but, I believe resources are being wasted.  Funding is being cut so much and I feel horrible that we’re taking a spot for someone who might truly need OT.   My  boy runs, jumps, kicks, eats with both a fork and a spoon and drinks from a regular cup with no issues at all.

Feeling very stuck at the moment.

There are always a million things to do around my house.  Something always needs to be cleaned,  put away or thrown away.  I sometimes have a hard time trying to remember who needs to do what job.  With 4 people here who are capable of doing chores (not that they always do them!), lists or charts are a necessity.

So, when I was given the opportunity to review goalforit.com, I was super excited.  I’m all for finding something that helps make “that part” of my life easier.

Signing up for the chore chart is really easy.  Once you’re signed up, setting up your chart is even easier.  You can even choose different themes for your chore charts!  There are two types of chore charts you can use – one for younger children and one for teens and tweens.  The tiles (pictures and description of the chore) are colorful and easy for little kids to understand.  There are plenty of these premade tiles to choose from and you can also create your own.  Once you set the chart up, it’s also easy to edit it.

If your child completed the assigned task for the day, they click on the space and they’re able to put a “sticker” on it – there are lots of those to choose from, too.  You’re able to assign each task a “moolah” amount.   I chose not to assign those for my kids.  Some chores should just be done because it’s part of their life – like homework.    They (imo) shouldn’t be paid to do their homework!  (I’m sure my kids would disagree).

Overall, I’m pleased with the site.  I’m more of a hands on person when it comes to chore charts for my kids.  I like them hung up where my kids can see them any time of the day.  These charts can be printed, but you end up losing the effect, I think.   I’ve tried other online chore charts in the past – we end up forgetting to update the chart or we run out of time to get online because we’re busy doing something else.  A good ol’ sheet of paper with listed chores works much better for us.

For kids/families who spend lots of time on the computer, this is ideal.

**I reviewed this website for BSM Media and will be compensated a nominal amount for my review.  These thoughts are my own and are in no way driven by compensation**

There’s something to be said for hand washing dishes.  I have a dishwasher and use it for almost everything (I’m lazy like that), but there are times when I need the hot, soapy water and the time to clear my head.  I hand washed dishes last night while the big boys were playing outside and Henry was watching his 1,785th episode of Blue’s Clues (dude is OBSESSED).

In no particular order:

• I really enjoying cooking for my family – sometimes, I feel it’s the only thing I can do right.
• I have a really, REALLY good life  – I do my best to savor it and thank God for it every day.
• I had no idea that as the further my children got in elementary school,  the more homework I would have.
• I really enjoyed elementary school, but have no interest in doing it over.
• I need to get a shoe box AND clay to make a diorama for my 3rd grader for my 3rd grader to make a diorama.
• We saw the grass for the first time in months the other day and thoroughly enjoyed it.
  
• Sadly, by that afternoon, the grass was covered with another 12 inches of snow.
  
• I need to lose 40 lbs. by October.
• That’s another post.
• Angry birds has become an obsession in this house.
• The only person who doesn’t play it is Henry.
• 3rd grader has a concert Wednesday night – teacher sends home note Tuesday morning letting parents know the attire for the evening.
• Of course, my son owns nothing appropriate.
• I have to take Henry out to shop for my 3rd grader – root canals are more fun.
• a lot more fun.
• I miss my mom more than I could ever imagine.
• I feel her around me – that’s comforting.
• My dog turned 5 yesterday – my 3rd grader tells everyone he’s 35.
• I love my husband so, so much.
• I thank God everyday for bringing us together.
• Henry has his finger up his nose more than he doesn’t.
• Good times.
• I have a good life.

My first baby. She was given to me as a gift – she was 2 months old. Her eyes hadn’t opened yet and I still had to bottle feed her. She came from a puppy mill, but I didn’t know it until later on. Someone was just trying to be nice to me – he didn’t really think that where he bought this sweet puppy might not be a good place. Vets told me she wouldn’t live to see 4 months and that I needed to prepare myself and enjoy what time I had with her. They were wrong.

I named her Lucy. She was my heart. She went everywhere with me. When we rode in the car, she curled up on the back of my neck. When she got too big to do that, she sat comfortably beside me and was usually asleep before we pulled out of the driveway – she was the world’s best traveler.

She lived all over the place – when I married in 1997, we moved to Florida. While living down there, my (now ex) husband and I decided to give her a “brother” – we bought the grooviest little Jack Russell terrier and we named him Eddie. Lucy HATED him. We moved to Germany not long after we bought Eddie. Life got a little tougher for my girl.

I divorced in 2001 and the pups were split up. I took my girl home with me and the ex got Eddie. I still have pictures of that crazy dog – he’s SO cute, but he was crazy. I think Lucy danced a gig when she left.

I married 10 months later (I’m almost certain I’ve discussed this already, but if not, I will soon) – Lucy was back to being the queen…..until our oldest son was born in 2002. She tolerated him. We had our 2nd son 17 months later and that was the straw that broke the camel’s back for my girl. She’d had enough. She had become so accustomed to being the queen and while I still paid attention to her and loved on her, she wasn’t #1 anymore. That made her REALLY mad.

She went to live with my mama in March of 2004 – she LOVED it. My mom had a yellow lab and he and Lucy were like 2 peas in a pod. My mom had to put him to sleep not long after Lucy moved in and then, Lucy was right back to being the queen. She lived that way until the very end. She was always SO happy to see me when we visited, but she had a new life and she enjoyed it. The kids adored her (the feeling wasn’t mutual…) and she was loved.

My mom entered the hospital in March of 2010 – Lucy went to live with my dad. My dad has 4 of the largest labs I’ve ever seen – 145 lbs. each (roughly). Lucy put EVERY ONE of those dogs in its place. She ate before they did. When she was done, she let them eat. She kept them all in line.

A few weeks before my mom passed away, Lucy was diagnosed with stage 4 heart failure. The vet told my dad that she wasn’t in pain. He promised me that he wouldn’t put her to sleep unless she was in pain. My mom went home to Jesus on November 9th. My sweet girl started coughing and having a hard time breathing on the morning of November 10th and she went to the Rainbow Bridge later that afternoon. She just wanted to be with my mama. I was able to spend some time with her before she went – I kissed her and told her to give my mom a smooch for me and that she was waiting for her. Her breathing slowed and she stopped coughing. She knew.

Rest in peace, my goose.

just pure, unadulterated germiness (I know that’s not a word, but my brain is stretched to the point where I’m afraid it won’t return to its normal size and I cannot think of the right word).

The last 5 months of 2010 SUCKED. Plain and simple. I was so hoping that the beginning of 2011 (or even the entire year!) would be better. Let’s just say, that didn’t happen.

I’ve dealt with enough phlegm, snot, poop and vomit in the last 3 weeks than I’ve dealt with since my oldest son was born….in 2002. I’m not kidding.

The grand funkfest of 2011 has circulated through my family 2 TIMES. IN 3 WEEKS. It’s below zero outside right now and I’m fully prepared to open windows. My children will sleep in snow pants – I don’t care.

I’m not a germaphobe (is that how that word is spelled?). I wash my hands, my kids wash their hands, etc., but I don’t spaz about illnesses going around. If they or I get sick, we deal with it and we move on. I had NO IDEA that these germs from hell were going to move in and camp out in my guts and the guts of my children.

It is not fun to clean up hurled up oreos. or hurled up pizza. or hurled up anything, really. The germs took up residence in my body Friday evening and by Saturday, I thought I was dying. By Sunday, I’d lost 10 pounds. That’s insanity to me.

My children have been absent 4 days since school started back in January. My kids weren’t absent 4 days the entire school year last year.

Repeat after me – 40 days until spring. 40 days until spring.

I’m buying stock in Clorox.

I used to call my mom every day. I’d call her as soon as she got to work in the morning, just to check in. Then, I’d call her when she got home from work, just to chit chat. We lived 10 hours from each other – I liked to feel close to her and talking with her that much helped.

She was misdiagnosed with asthma in 2006. My mother was actually in congestive heart failure. That misdiagnosis is what took her from us. My mom passed away on November 9, 2010, after a VERY long battle. She was surrounded by those that loved her most. It was surreal. It was heart breaking. It was beautiful.

I held her hand as she took her last breath – I watched life here on earth leave her. She waited for my sister, my father and me to tell her we’d be ok without her. She waited for us to tell her she didn’t have to fight – she always fought for us. She wanted to get better. For us.

A little piece of my heart died that day. That little piece is gone forever. I’m having to learn a new normal – still. It’s been 2 1/2 months.

Her birthday, Thanksgiving and Christmas flew up on us VERY quickly and I’ll admit, those days and weeks are a bit of a blur. I did my best to numb that pain in productive ways – I threw myself into Christmas, just like she would. It was the only thing I knew to do. It occupied my thoughts. I needed something other than the thoughts of her last few days on earth to occupy my brain. While her passing was as peaceful as it could have been, there are still things that haunt me. I pray often that those haunting thoughts leave me.

My mom spent her final hours at the Delaware Hospice Center. I’m forever grateful for the staff at the DHC. They made this painful experience a bit easier for all of us AND for her. I’ve decided to donate to them on my mom’s birthday, every year.

After her peaceful passing, the staff put this beautiful wreath outside her door – it was to let everyone know that she’d moved on. To a much better place. Where there is no heart failure. Where there is no pain. Where there aren’t copious amounts of unnecessary medication to take on a daily basis. She’s whole again – free.

I’m getting used to this new normal. Where I can’t hear her voice. That hurts. More than I ever thought possible.

I needed a break – a break from being mom. As much as I adore them, I needed to be Tina and Tina only – not “moooooooooom” or “mommy”.

We’ve had these concert tickets for several months now – we were going out with friends. We’d planned the whole evening. I was very much looking forward to it – I just needed a break. A break from the stresses of life.

We’re tailgating at the concert – I was really enjoying myself. My dad sends me a text message – “call me”. He wants me to come home soon – home meaning where I grew up. My 60 year old mother is in the hospital – in congestive heart failure. He wants me to see my mom before it’s too late. He doesn’t want to have to call me to tell me she’s gone. I don’t want that either.

I’m 36 years old – married with 3 small children. How do I put “my life” on hold to be only my mother’s daughter again? How do I not bang my fists on tables and yell at doctors who should have taken care of this YEARS AGO? How do I keep my heart from breaking when I walk into a hospital room to see a woman I barely recognize – a woman far too young to have to deal with this.

My babies and my wonderful husband are sleeping soundly right now – I lie here awake. I lie here with my heart heavier than I’ve felt it in a long time. I’m stuck – I truly don’t know what to do. Someone please tell me what to do.